Monday, 4 July 2011

imperfect

(from Emil's)

It feels like everyone has turned to stare at me and I can't find the correct position to be in. So here I am, all slouchy and feeling quite off.

Some things that have been on my mind lately:

- his cold feet cooling mine when I was burning hot 
- sleeping on the living room floor when I felt like I was coughing my lungs out bit by bit
- finishing books (started in Turku) on the living room floor while watching Brideshead Revisited and Ashes to Ashes
- heartbreaking insecurity
- crying at night because I get too much email and I currently apparently suck at getting back to people 
- choosing not to get back to everyone
- being proud of the books I made earlier
- re-writing a book of poems I thought I had finished
- I really need to be in the top 5% or I have no idea what I'll do in the autumn
- good food: strawberry-halloumi salad, fresh peas in a horseradish sauce
- reading David Mitchell
- neverending pollen allergy
- too hot

All in all, I wish I was in a better mood, especially now that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be with the person I wish to be with. I wish I knew how to not behave childlishly when my soup's not hot or when my feet hurt or when I have 99 unread Etsy messages waiting to be replied with "Beautiful! Thanks so much!" (that's not what I want to say, even though it's basically what I mean - I've run out of words that look the way I feel).

I wish someone would give me a flower. I wish I knew how to give something. I wish there were more moments like when I asked V, ottaisitko mun jalan taas syliin? would you take my foot onto your lap again?, when we were a tangly mess making crossword puzzles and playing xbox on the sofa. I probably don't need to mention it, but I'm going to anyway: I had nothing to do with the xbox. I'm the crossword puzzle girl. 

Kind of imperfect, even when I know this right here is perfect. I always end up remembering everything else.

2 comments:

Liesan said...

It doesn't matter where you go you always bring your self

karen said...

you are so articulate and I feel I am inside your head with your thoughts too. There is a happiness there, a contentment waiting to be permanent.....